Update on “Where did my life go” +BIG NEWS!!!

So, here I sit…  it has been a pretty good day, thought not as great and productive as I would have hoped.   I’m on my way though.   I have begun to pull the pieces of my life back together.  Over all I feel like I am doing better… I have been doing my yoga again, and I really think that it helps with the depress and the tension that builds.

I had set some goals for myself in my previous blog- I think it was almost 2 weeks ago.  Dang!  I have become a bad blogger! Anyway, I wanted to really look at the goals that I had set and see how I am doing, and see what needs to be worked on and maybe add some new goals.

Here they are:

I want to:

Actually plan and prepare meals ahead of time

I have done a better job of planning the meals, but not in preparing them ahead of time. I feel like it is about 40% complete

Clean the house (and keep it picked up)

I have actually done a better job of keeping the house picked up.  It hasn’t been great, or done as much as I like, though.  I think that makes it 60% complete

Budget better

Ok, so, I really have been doing much better with this.  Other than a mishap at the bank, which I truly believe is 100% their fault, by not providing me with the proper account number, I have been doing so much better. I truly think that it is 90% complete

Take care of myself (hair, face, stretching)

Like I said before, I have been doing my yoga again.  I think I did it 3 times last week, which is pretty good for me.  I would like to do it about 4-5 time a week though…. consistently.  I have done a little bit better about washing my face more than once a day.  And I have been doing my hair almost every day.  (I got a few inches cut off the Sunday before last and that has helped to make it so much easier).  So I would consider this goal 70% complete.

Ok, so , I have quite a bit further to go.  **sighs**  at least I am doing something. I don’t think I am going to add another goal this week…. not until I can get a better grasp on these first.  I will post another update next week and see how I am doing better then. 

Now!  Time for my big news!

I got a job!!!

Yep, I now have a job at Pier 1 Imports.  It is only a part-time job, for now, but it is something.  Today was my second day and I learn TONS!  It is so intricate.  This is the first time tha tI have ever worked retail.  I ususally have had desk jobs, but this really is fun.  And everything there is AMAZING… AND I get a 25% discount!  How cool is that?!?

Titus and I have managed to live on his salary alone for months now, so this is going to be money that we can save to fly to Michigan for Christmas.  And buy the dog a sweater…

I want Lyric to have a sweater.  I think they are so cute.    I used to make fun of people that would dress up their dogs, but now I am all for it.  I just had to have a small dog.     I crochet so I might just make her one.  It would be the perfect size, I would just have to put my other projects aside.  **sighs** oh well.

Layter!

Where did my life go?

Ok, I am going to be upfront and not drag my point out….. my life has become so….. so…. unmanaged.

I used to be pretty disiplined…. not tons but at least some.  I used to hate sitting around for long periods of time… I would get uncomfortable and fidgety.  Now I truly don’t care.

I used to take time and keep my hair looking nice and my makeup and now I don’t even shower every day!!! <<< and yes, it bothers me that I am not clean, but I just don’t have the motivation, somtimes.

I don’t keep up with friends (I’m sooo terrible at that), but I am online ALL of the time.

And now for the biggy…. I used to hate having a messy room/ house.   Now I don’t care.  I barely bothers me.  I used to go crazy when I lived with my little sister (at the begining of the year- for a couple of months) and her husband and I thought it was messy all of the time…. AND NOW MINE IS WORSE.!!!!!!

When it started there were always little reasons…. like…..   it takes time to get settled and everything to find a place <<<< very true.  Or…..  I was sick and not feeling well <<< That was true.

And now, I just don’t fell up to it.  Like this state of depression…. again.  I HATE WHEN THE DEPRESSION SETS IN!!!!!! I don’t want to take medication for it again.   It sucked… and I really am not sure that it would work…. it just made me not care.

So, I need to be a better wife…..   I want to be me again!!!!

I want to:

Actually plan and prepare meals ahead of time

Clean the house (and keep it picked up)

Budget better

Take care of myself (hair, face, stretching)

so, now…. these are my goals.  I have set them…. let’s see how I do.     Good luck to me 

Another song that God has used to talk to me

So, the other day.   When Jody called me back and told me that he gave the administrative job to someone else, I was devastated.  I’m not going to lie… I cried.  And then just accepted that I must have been wrong when I felt that that was the job the HE had for me.  And while I was typing an email or something…. really I don’t remember what I was doing, but I just started listen to what music I had on and it was this:

That is: It’s Not My Time by Three Doors Down

And when I started listening I heard the chorus… “(‘Cause) It’s not my time, I’m not going, There’s a fear in me, It’s not showing, This could be the end of me, And everything I know”

You know when God is speaking to you …. there is no doubt.  It doesn’t have to be audible.  You jsut have this realization, you just have to be open to it.  And he told me, “Heidi, It’s not your time”.   Yes, he does have some AMAZING job that he is going to provide for me…. but not right now.   I questioned and questioned that.   And now I know!

Lyric, is about to get out of the hospital and she is going to come home and I am going to have to finish nursing her back to health.  I called Roxanne at the Animal Shelter and appologized to the inconvenience.  She told me that there were other people who were interested and that she was going to ask them.  And then she said that I could reapply after Lyric was better.  **sighs**  So, I’m out of a job again.  That wasn’t the job that God had for me.  He has something and it is going to be amazing… I know it…. I just can’t forget it.

My Parvo dog

To start off, I didn’t sleep at all last night.  I got my husband up at 6am and made him shower and get ready for work.  When we were both done showering we commented on how Lyric was still sleeping.  It was shocking to us.  She is ALWAYS up at 5:30am or so.  Right around 7am I decided that I needed to wake her up so that she didn’t pee in her sleep or something.  No big deal.  She woke right up and grogilly (grogilly?  is that a word???) or very groggy like she went out to pee.

We came back upstairs (we are on the second story) and I got her some “food” <<<she loves that word. She kind of walked over and nibbled.  Then took a mouthful and walked it back to her kennel.  THIS IS SO NOT LIKE HER.  This dog would eat every bit of food in the house if we let her.  So, I started to get a little worried, but figured that I was just having some “mom syndrome”  (you know those moms that take their kids to the hospital after one single sneeze)

Then we layed down to nap (Lyric and I- “daddy” was at work) After about a half hour I woke up to her retching, set her on the bathroom floor and waited.  She vomited a little… no big deal…. “she just has an upset belly”, I told myself.

After a little while she started drooling…. like a St. Bernard.  “This can’t be right”.  So, I called my vet and asked their opinion, “bring her in immediately and we will make room for you. I want to do a Parvo test”.

As soon as I got off of the phone with the vet I just started crying.  By the time we got to the vet I had composed myself and was just anxious to find out the results.  And then the doctor told me…… “The Parvo test came back positive”. I was shattered.  I just cried and cried and cried.

Somehow through the tears I managed to ask what we could do about it.

I was given three options:

Keep her at the vet (about $400.00)

Take her home with some medicine and hope for the best (about $200.00)

Put her down

I was devistated.  I hadn’t thought about having to put her down, only the thought that she might die from the Parvo.  More crying… and then I told htem that I would need to speak with my husband.  I called him at work (suprisingly so he answered he cell) and we decided to do what it would take to get the money for her to be able to stay there under their supervision.

We ended up getting a “medical credit card” <<< Thank God we were eligible for it.

Now, I’m sitting here and waiting to find out if she is ok…. and wishing more than anything that I could be with her.  I like that they have her on an IV drip, but I REALLY wish that I could be with her.  I know that they are not loving her like she needs to be loved.  She is fighting all on her own and it is killing me to think about it.  I feel like I abandoned her.  I am going to go over tomorrow morning.

I will talk to Titus, but I am considering bringing her home.  Hopefully a night on an IV drip will have her in much better condition.

Do you know how easily Parvo spreads? You can bring it home on the soles of your shoes!!!  It can live in the ground for 5 months (even through a hard winter)!  So, I had to go up the office and tell them that my dog was diagnosed with Parvo and to tell the owners of the dog’s that came into contact with her.  One dog today was a 1 year old basset hound.    I really hope that he will be ok.

I’m certain that she got it from the animal protection league.  It was a week ago (that’s how long it takes to see signs of parvo).  Sometimes to even diagnose it, it has to be a week later.  IT WAS SO STUPID OF ME TO BRING HER THERE!!! AND I KNOW IT!!! I JUST WASN”T THINKING!  All I saw was the “low cost vaccinations” advertisement.

It is a small room full of 10 other dogs just playing with each other and waiting to get their vaccinations.  Well duh!  Obviously if they had/ or were up to date on their shots. they wouldn’t be there.   It is just like the waiting room of a hospital.  All of the people are there because they are sick and they are spreading their germs all over the room.  I just wasn’t thinking.  And it is my fault.

All I can think about is how me and my apartmetn are full of this virus.   It is everywhere…. on everything that she ever “nosed”…. which is EVERYTHING.  I have this virus all over me and I can’t get it off.  I need to scrub everything with bleach before she comes home.

One website that I wrote said that they can have it for a month after they have recovered from the side effects.  And they can have it attack their heart up to a year afterward.  This same website also said that dogs that survive Parvo will not be completely healthy dogs for the rest of their lives. http://www.workingdogs.com/parvofaq.htm <<< Go ahead check out the site if you don’t believe me….the site really helped me understand what was happening.

Well, I guess more updates coming soon.  Please be praying.

God’s Will?

Ok, so, 4pm rolled around and I still hadn’t heard anything from either place and I was worried.  A few minutes later, while I am out walking the dog, Roxanne at the animal shelter called and said, “I was just wondering if you wanted to work for us”.  And honestly I told her that I was waiting to hear back from another position and asked if she would mind waiting until tomorrow morning for an answer from me.  She that that would be alright.

So, I got back home and called Jody (my contact for the administrative assistant job) and left a message asking how everything was coming along and if they had made a decision yet.  At 4:50pm I called back again and left a message saying that I had been accepted for a differnet job and that I would love working for them (Lide industries) and if he could please call me bac and let me know how things are looking that would be wonderful.

Jody called me back around 5:30pm or so, letting me know that they had already filled that position.  **sighs** why am I not being accepted foran administrative positions?  What is missing?  I don’t understand.  I would have LOVED to do that job so much.  **sighs** oh well.  I prayed for God’s will in all of it and he must want me at the animal shelter.

Animal shelter here I come!

What to do?

Today, was ok.. i guess.   I have been dreading tomorrow (which is now today) … it is a sort of “D-day” for me.  I have been offered a job at the animal shelter… which I think I would enjoy. Anyway, they are supposed to be calling me back on Monday (today) to confirm that I will be working there (after they called my references and ran a background check)

BUT….. I have another job… an administratvie assistant position that I am waiting to hear back from.  I would LOVE to be able to have the administratvie assistant job.   I’m supposed to hear from them today.  What to do? What to do?  **yes I meant to say that twice…. it ads emphesis***

What if the animal shelter calls me first and says, “hey, we have checked you all over and you can start on Friday” and then I say,”…. well, I am still waiting to hear back from another job…. would you mind waiting until I find out if I get teh other job or not?”

THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE!!!

What am I supposed to do?

It isn’t fair to the animal shelter for me to not give them an answer when they already told me on Friday that I can have the job (well, as long as everything checked out…… which I’m sure that it will becuase I have never done anything wrong….. ok well maybe that isn’t true… but, I have never done anything legaly wrong.  Ok, you’re right…. I’ve had speeding tickets.  I have never done anything that would disqualify me from the getting the job).  BAH!

***side note***  I think I need to sign up for some more spam… I haven’t gotten a new email in over 7 hours…. I feel like such a lame person.  ***end sidenote***

My sick puppy… demodex and side effects

ok, so after another night of not sleeping and another interview (at the animal shelter—- I was offered the job) I came home and let Lyric out.  We were just kind of standing outside… i was letting her kind of play and enjoy the outside when all of a sudden IT HAPPENED!!!!

All at once she started vomiting and had diarrhea and this went on for a good 5 minutes then she started to swy when she walked (she must have been dizzy or something) and I tried walking her over to the softer, nicer grass and she tried going up the stairs to our apartment.  I pulled on the leash to get her to follow me ***sidenote*** she is still a VERY stubborn puppy ***end side note*** and she just gave out.

She quit moving and just lay on the ground at the bottom of the stairs on the cement.  I felt so bad.  I had been frustrated with her all day for asking to go outside and then not going to the bathroom, and then peeing inside, and chewing on EVERYTHING that she knew she wasn’t supposed to. And now she wasn’t feeling well.

I’m not going to lie, there was a pert of me that was frustrated…. frustrated that she she needed more of my attention…. which was already 99% of my time…. and now she needed 100% !  All I wanted to do was sleep for 5 or 6 hours through the night so that I wasn’t cranky and could function through the day and I couldn’t because she (Lyric… my puppy) HAD to have ALL of my time.

And then I was overwhelmed with sadness and started to cry.

Which could have been from my lack of sleep over the past 3 days.

So, picture this…….    I am sitting at the bottom of the stairs, up to my apartment, with a dog just laying on the ground not moving….. and I am mad a crying (all at the same time).  I’m sure I looked pretty funny.

So, I didn’t what any normal person would have done…. I started thinking of burrial places for my dog……   no just kidding…..  I consulted the world wide web!

I called my sister and had her look up (online) to see if these were normal side effects to the shots that she got the day before: Rabies, Bordatella, and Distemper/Parvo.   Supposedly it is definitely NOT COMMON side effects, but they do happen.  Well, that wasn’t good enough for me…. I wanted a second opinion. ***at this point in time I had carried the dog up stairs and into the apartment and just laid her on the floor next to me***   So, I googled all of the vets in my city and started calling around.

I called 4 different clinics and they all told me that those were not normal at all and that I should bring her in right away….. but none of them had an opening. **sighs** So, now I know that I might have a VERY sick dog, but no one has any room for me.

Finally on the 5th call that I made, someone did have an opening.  So, I packed all of her stuff up and carried her to the car (since she still wasn’t moving).  The clinic wasn’t too far up the road and I really liked all of the staff there and Mr. Kimbrough (the vet) was very nice too.

***side note*** Lyric is now laying next to me on the couch and wagging her tail in her sleep. lol.  Quite violently too. ***end side note***

Anyway, Mr. Kibrough decided that she didn’t have Parvo (which we were all worried about) and as long as she kept eating then we wouldn’t have a problem with it.  He also, did a skin scrape and decided that the red spot on her neck was demodectic mange.  ***Side note*** the clinic that we took her to last said that it didn’t look like demodex at all and it was probably just skin allergies ***end side note***.  So they shaved that spot and rub it down and gave us two different medicines for it.  **sigh**

By the time “dad” got home last night she was up and wanting to play.  It has been 12 hours now, and she seems to be back to her old self….. except that she is still pooping in the house and only 5 minutes after she was taken outside.

Titus is taking me to the bull bash tonight.  I am sooo excited.  Bull riding!

Layter,

Still not sleeping/ Frustrating puppy

So, here I sit at 3:15am and I cannot sleep again.  What is wrong with me?  I only got 2.5 hours of sleep yesterday and that was during the day, after my husband left to go to work.  We both (after much sleeplessness)  woke up around 2:30am and decided to get a drink.  I took the dog out (in hopes of sleeping in longer in the morning) and he went to go and get the water.  We went outside and she went potty and I brought her back in….. no big deal right?  While I was getting some water (that didn’t taste like it came from a pond) she (Lyric….. the dog) decided that she had to poop.   Right on the floor!   I was soo mad.  I had just taken her out!

We have been fighting with her….. trying to get her to “speak” (bark) to go outside.  Because if you aren’t watching her you don’t know that she is just sitting by the door, waiting to go out.  Bah!  ***yep that’s right I said, “Bah!***

She will “speak” on command for food and for any of her toys but she won’t do it to go out.   I don’t understand.  It is soooo frustrating to me. I am considering teaching her to ring a bell to let us knwo that she needs to go outside.  I am afraid that she is confused from being told “no speak” when she is obnoxiously and aggressively begging for food and then being told to “speak” to go outside.

I know she is smart enough.  She learns so fast when she is prompted with food.  She learned “stay”, “sit”, and “down”/”lay” in one day.  Bah!

And yesterday she pooped 3 times in the house and made 3 potty mistakes!!!!  She usually only goes once every 4 days…. and only one or the other.  The only thing that I can think of is that she doesn’t like the new leash that we got her.

She used to have one of these retractable leashes…. but it wasn’t good to leash training.  She would always pull to the end of it and you would get burns on your hand while trying to pull her back.  But now, on her 5 foot leash, she won’t poop.  And then she poops inside.  How do I fix this?

Ok well, I think I am going to finish my game of Gin Rummy and go to bed.  Maybe I can get an hour of sleep before my husband has to get up and get ready for work.

PS.  Oh yes!  I want to add that my interview went really well.  I would love to work there.  They are great, laid-back guys.  Oh yeah and starting pay is $10/ hour!  How amazing is that?  I am supposed to hear somthign back from them by Monday.

And I have an interview at the animal shelter tomorrow afternoon.  I heard that you can’t make more than 20,000 a year though.  Which really isn’t a lot.  I mean, it is… but I want something that I can be grounded in.  And grow with.  And I really think that the administratvie assistant position in Gladewater woudl be perfect.  We’ll see……….. now just to wait………………..

This is the link to my ex-boyfriend’s blog…. the blog he kept up with while we were going out and right after we broke up… and then got back together… and then broke up again.  Almost all of his posts are about me. Poems and songs and such.  Really sweet actually….

July 18

If I could

If i could just practice that extra song…i could be the perfect drummer,

If I could just skate that extra hour…i could be the best hockey player,

If i could just get that last run in off the mountain…i could be the next Shawn White,

If i could get you to say those three words to me…i could be the most loved person alive,

Only if you could.

July 16

i dont know what to name this 1

I looked at her for the first time, and not noticing I would fall in love with her I looked away.
I now sit at home only thinking about her.
Why is it that I can’t let her go?
I now realize she is never coming back, and begin to cry.
She was my first, my first at so many things.
But the one thing I will always remember, is
that she was my first “True Love.”
I did things not thinking of the outcome, and now I am left home all alone.
I just can’t let her go.
Why is it that she can act like nothing is wrong, and say “I Love You?”
Does it even mean anything?
If she read this, would she show this to all of her friends?
I just don’t know anymore!
All I know is that I love a girl.
And for that reason……I cant let her go

I miss u

Everyday I wish you were here with me.
It hurts that you can’t be.
If I could turn back the hands of time,
you’ll still be mine.

Everyday I wish I could have known you better,
so I cherish the time we had together,
instead of thinking of you been gone,
while I’m here all alone.

Everyday I wish I could call you,
So that I could have someone to talk to,
But someone took you away from me
and all I could say is “I miss you.”

Dreams

Dreams

If I could have my dreams come true
These are the things I’d like to do.
To have a cabin deep in the woods,
And someone to share both the bad and the good.

We’d lie by the fireplace,forever it seems,
And share with each other our future of dreams.
As we tire of talking,we’d snuggle up close,
These are the times, I’d cherish the most.

The times when I feel so close to someone,
Who gives me such pleasure and so much fun.
Who isn’t afraid of what the future may bring,
And share so much love, that our hearts sing.

Sometimes I wonder will my dreams come true?
And I ask myself, could it be with you?
I don’t have the answer, atleast not to share,
I’m afraid if I share them, you wouldn’t care.

So, until the time comes, when the timing is right,
I’ll cherish our time everyday and night.
And if in the future, our dreams become one,
Then I’ll know that my dreams have only begun.

To have you beside me, through the rough seas and good,
I know we’d make magic, I’m sure that we could.
For you are my soul mate, I believe in my heart,
And to get to our dreams, we must first make a start.

So, please take my hand, and don’t be afraid,
I believe that together, our cabin will be made.
I’ll never doubt my feelings for you,
And if you return them, all our dreams can come true.

Thinking of you

I know that I should try to find somebody new..
But all I find is myself always thinking of you..
You dont even know it.. And why should you care?
Your happy just pretending that Im not even there..
Forever means nothing if I dont spend it with you..
But theres just nothing more I think I can do..
I try to tell you I love you but you just dont stop to listen..
Then I guess youll never know that Im the one your missin..
Give me just one minute and look into my eyes..
Forget your friends.. Forget the world.. Forget the pain and lies..
Forget about what people say and what other people might see..
All I want you to think about now is what you think of me..
Cause nothing really matters except for the people you love..
And it kills me inside not knowing what you think when your all Im thinking of..
Maybe I am wrong and you really just dont care..
But why sometimes do you act so sweet if no feelings are accually there..
All I want is for you to tell me exactly how u feel..
Id rather be hurt than keep believeing what you say is real..
Wether you tell me you love me or not this will still be true..
Nothing in this whole damn world could keep me from loving you..

“Us”

I read and remember things that was said when there was an “us”…the song that we had plays over and over in my head and i cant stop thinking about the days that were the best days of my life when it was “us”…the good times and the bad times…we’ve been through it all…we laughed together and we cried together…i pray to god every night for just 1 more day where its “us” again…you changed me for the better and got me back into all the things that i really love…all but 1…theres only 1 thing that i would love to hav again…and thats “us”

Jarod “Our Song”

So, I am sitting here (still awake) and decided that I could be doing something useful… like posting my old blog posts onto here so that I can have all of them in one spot.  So, I went to my msn space.  And it brought back so many memories….. memories that I am not sure that I want back…. memories of a past boyfriend… an amazing boyfriend.  And then I ended up looking at his blog and reading some of the things that he had posted about me.  They were so touching.  He posted “our song” …. yep he posted the lyrics of our song up on his blog.  And poems that he wrote about me and for me.  So sweet…..

Anyway this is was our song:

we drive tonight,
and you are by my side.
We’re talking about our lives,
like we’ve known each other forever.
the time flies by,
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise,
with the end surely near.
and if i could only stop the car
and hold onto you,
and never let go (and never let go)
i’ll never let go (i’ll never let go)
as we round the corner
to your house
you turned to me and said,
“i’ll be going through withdrawal of you
for this one night we have spent.”
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i’ll just bite my tongue,
and accept “someday, somehow”
as the words that we’ll hang from.

and i (i..), i don’t want to speak these words.
because i (because i..), i don’t want to make things any worse.
and i (i..), i don’t want to speak these words.
because i, i don’t want to make things any worse.

why does tonight, have to end?
why don’t we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we’ll skip the goodbyes.
if i had it my way,
i’d turn the car around and runaway,
just you and i.

and i (i..), i don’t want to speak these words.
because i (because i..), i don’t want to make things any worse. (any worse)
and i (i..), i don’t want to speak these words
because i, i don’t want to make things
and i, i don’t want to make things any worse