Ramblings and Such...

Not sleeping

mydisconnectedlife — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:59:56 +0000

It is becoming more and more common that I have insomnia. I am always depressed and irritable. It causes so much stress.   I hit a wall today, because I was so frustrated with everything.   I didn’t break the wall though… which was actually kind of sad. While I wouldn’t have liked to patch it, it would have been nice to know that I was strong enough to. *sighs* . In the past I couldn’t sleep at night and only the days, but now I can’t even do that, as LizBeth keeps me very busy during the day.
I even tried taking some sleeping pills. It seemed to work the first night, but not the second. I sleep so much better when Titus isn’t in bed. I really like having the whole bed… not that I love cuddling with him, I just can’t seem to get comfortable enough to fall asleep when he is holding me.   Grr.   I feel so terrible…. in so many ways. I have tried counting every breath and reading too. Doesn’t work.
I don’t even know when I fall asleep now. Its like I just pass out sometime around morning. I’m so tired of being awake. (Laughs to self about the oxymoronic sentence).   I hate laying in bed next to my sleeping husband. He feels so distant.
He tried staying up with me tonight, but I just couldn’t. He had already put in such a long day….. over 12 hours at work!   It has been like that for weeks now. I miss him dearly.
Ok well, I am going to try some more reading. Gnight.

Get it together, Man!

mydisconnectedlife — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 03:32:47 +0000

How can someone know that there is a problem and do nothing about it? How can someone know they have an issue with weight (myself included) and not do somthing about it? It is a struggle. It is something that you constantly have to work at. Not giving in. Not giving up.

I feel like my marriage is dying. It is slowly fading away. I remember feeling this a year ago and knowing that my marriage had become boring. So, I decided that the next step was to have a child. And I feel like now our daughter has become “The old toy” . She doesn’t excite him any more….. I don’t excite him anymore. Nothing does. He doesn’t have any goals or any dreams. He can’t even tell me what his dream vacation is! He is just floating out there somewhere and he doesn’t want to fix it.

I have tried talking to him about it… but nothing changes. Nothing gets through to him. *sighs* It breaks my heart. He has even quit praying for me before he goes off to work. It was always the same prayer.. but it was something. He doesn’t even say good bye.

So, how am I supposed to believe that he loves me….. that I mean anything to him… if he wont try to help our marriage? I can’t hold it together for both of us.

I have told him before that if our marriae doesn’t work then I will never get married again. And I still stand by that. He is such a good man. He is just not standing up and being the leader. I don’t have the time or the energy to lead. I told him from the very begining that I needed and wanted a man that would lead. And now he wants me to hold his hand through EVERYTHING. He has put me in a place where I can’t do anything, but wait here for him. “How long shall I wait, O Lord?”

HELP!!! The man I dated is not the man that I married!

mydisconnectedlife — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 01:14:16 +0000

“What happened?” I keep asking myself this question. The man that I dated is not the man that I married. I hate thinking that everyone is right…. that men will do or be ANYTHING just to get a girl. And then they don’t feel like they have to hide who they are once they are married.

And then I wonder, “where did I go wrong?” At what point in time did things change and why didn’t I notice. My life has been so difficult since I have gotten married…. now don’t get me wrong…. I knew it was going to be difficult, but it hasn’t been difficult in any of the ways that eveyone said that it would be.

Yes, I have dealt with the “going to other things for fulfillment” issue. And now I am dealing with something that is so, so, so…… completely opposit of the man that I wanted to marry.

I made it VERY clean that if I was going to get married that I was going to have to have a man that would LEAD ME.

When we were dating he was focused. He had goals and ambitions. And now there is nothing. The man is null and void. He’s not focused.

For example: The other day we were watching my little siblings. My little brother (6 years of age) asked for a glass of water and I said “sure” Titus was already pouring himself a glass of water and would have easily been able to get another glass, but he didn’t….. he put the pitcher of water back into the fridge!!!!! WHO DOES THAT?!?!?! I wish that I could truly comunicate how he is JUST NOT THERE.

I asked him today what his purpose was…… do you want to know what he said to me?!?… of course you do….. he told me, “I’m not sure any more”

*****sigh***** This is not the man that he is….I know it’s not. Even before we were dating he was a hard worker.

I just don’t know what to do.

We moved 50 miles so that he could go to the university over here… that was six months ago and he hasn’t even filled out and application yet.

Where has my husband gone…. and how do I get him back????

The end… or is it a new beginning…?

mydisconnectedlife — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 03:15:33 +0000

I talked to my husband about how hurt I was today… after he got home from work. I did pretty well today… being at work helped me a lot becuase I didn’t have to focus on the pain.

I truly felt like I had been cheated on…. and I DO indeed believe that I was cheated on. I was cheated on with a computer monitor! Am I not better than a computer screen?

I once told my husband that if it didn’t work out between us that I would never get married again. He is about as perfect as it gets and if it can’t work between us than it will never work between me and anyone else.

All during work I just kept wondering “What if he did it again over lunch?” It just ate at me…my stomach hated me and the knots in it mad me want to vomit all day. By the time I left work it all hit me again and I just sobbed. How am I ever going to believe this man when he tells me that he loves me? How am I ever going to believe him when he tells me that I am beautiful? How do I know that he is really having sex with me and not just thinking about some nude woman the whole time?

The fragile woman that I am has just been destroyed.

So… what to do now?

He came home from work and I told him that I was mad at him for lying to me….. for telling me that he “wanted to look at porn… but he didn’t do it” (later I found out that he had… and not ust a little, but a lot)…. and then he had done it a couple days after that too. Anyway…. I told him that I knew and that I was extremely hurt. I also told him that I wanted to end the relationship >>> I would not trust him when he told me that he loved me or that he thought I was beautiful.

He asked me to forgive him—- I’m not ready too. That will take some time…. I am soo hurt. All I want to do is just sob (and I have already done a whole lot of that… I’m not sure that I have anything left to cry).

So, I told him that he has to start back from square one- That is the only way that I might be able to trust him again. I gave him my wedding rign and told him “I may be legally married to you, but emotionally I am not. “ We are going back to the very begining. He is moving into the spare room. I NEED him to prove to me that he truly loves me and thinks that I am beautiful… and that I am all he needs to be satisfied.

The hardest part about it all is that he is my best friend and all I want is for him to hold me and to tell me that it is going to all be ok…. but I can’t stand the thought of him touching me…..

Why do married men still look at porn?

mydisconnectedlife — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 05:03:08 +0000

Ok so this has recently become a question that I have not been able to figure out. Can someone PLEASE help me? I am so confused. The only reason (that I believe it all boils down to) is that they look at it because they are not satisfied. AM I RIGHT?!?
And IF that indeed is the answer than how can we believe our husbands when they tell us that they think we are beautiful?!?! Does that not sound like the BIGGEST contradiction?!?
This is what I was told, “It isn’t because I don’t think that you are beautiful… I want to look because I am curious as to what else is out there.” WHAT THE FRICK DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!?
He doesn’t know it yet, but all I have to do is check the little “history” button to know what he has been doing all day. So when he told me “I wanted to look… but don’t worry I didn’t.” I know what REALLY happened.
How am I not supposed to question everything about myself now? How am I supposed to just go on thinking that I am beautiful when he has (and continues to) go on looking for pictures of more beautiful women. How am I even supposed to believe that he REALLY means it when he tells me that I am beautiful? How am I not supposed to wonder about who he is really thinking about as we are having sex.

Making Up

mydisconnectedlife — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:34:01 +0000

So, my husband and I have been doing much better… We have a talk where I just laid it all out there. Now as a Christian I don’t believe that divorce would have been an option in this situation, but I believe that seperation would have been. Or even worse, still living together and being together, but not actually being in the relationship. Anyway, I told him that I couldn’t be in a relationship that was like this. It had become almost emotionaly abusive. The only things that were ever said were negative…. and that hurts and it is really hard to take after a while.

(another little blurb: While we were courting/dating and while we were engaged he had been writing me letters in a journal that he gave me when we got married. ) I held up that journal and I asked him where that man had gone.

I was so frustrated because he kept telling me that I needed to get up and get ready to go to church, and all I wanted him to do was to sit down and try and fix what was broken. He had this mindset that all we needed to do was go to church that day and all would be better. And I believe that God will be ok with it if we miss one service so that we can work on our relationship.

So, finally he said that we could stay home and he read to me out of that journal of letters that he had written me. In one of the letters he wrote something about how if he ever gets too wropped up in life, or if he ever gets to busy to love me that I should hit him .

That’s exactly what had happened (no no, didn’t hit him) … he got too wrapped up in life to enjoy “us”.

But it’s over now. We have gone almost a whole week without have an argument. It used to be EVERY day.

But God is good. He has helped us through.

Was it just a mistake?

mydisconnectedlife — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 04:18:39 +0000

I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to be married…. I don’t even want to date. I just want to be by myself. All of my life I have had to be a perfect person for my mother. I was constantly told what I was doing wrong and constantly let down by her broken promises. Since I have been married (It has been 6 months now) I don’t have a happy life with some bad days…. it is a bad life with some good days. I can only think of a handful of days that we have gone to bed truly happy- with out having fought earlier in the day. It just doesn’t happen.

Now, over three years since I have been moved out and I am still being constantly disappointed by the person that means the most to me. He has no joy or excitement over the little things that I get excited about. I just get shut down. He won’t even pretend to be happy for me.

We can’t even find things that we like doing together. We used to enjoy spending time together (like all couples do) and so even things that we hated seemed to be more fun (because we were spending time with the other)… and now we just don’t like to do anything. He doesn’t like any games (he says he enjoys card games… but NEVER suggests playing). I feel like it is a huge struggle just to get him to play a game with me. He likes going for walks, but after running around on my feet all day, that is the LAST thing that I want to do. Plus- the world outside is such a negative place… all you hear is yelling and arguing and fighting- I don’t like it.

I really wish that he would just cheat on me so that I could end it all. Just be by myself (well, me and the dog ) make myself happy. Enjoy doing the things that I like to do and not always have to please someone else. Isn’t it worse to be 30 years old (after 10 years of marriage) and live in the same house, without being emotionally intimate- just to live life separately. That would be even worse. I am not one to lie to the world so that I look good. That just isn’t me.

Right now my husband is in bed. I lay there with my back to him (with him spooning me) and I just lay there silently crying, wishing that he would hurry up and fall asleep so that I would crawl out of bed, give him a lame answer of, “I’m just getting and drink of water” so that I could come out into the kitchen to write this. To get all of these feelings off of my chest. So that I didn’t have to be there laying in bed with him touching me.

I am out of my mother’s house and I still feel completely imperfect, by everyone else’s standards. Even my husband cringes and makes faces when I eat a piece of chocolate cake. He tells me that I need to stop eating. And then later will look at me and tell me that I am beautiful. How can he say that and want me to believe it…. it just isn’t going to happen.

I just want to be by myself. To not have someone to tell me what I should and should not eat; To just be excited and proud of myself without being shut down. To do things that I enjoy and not have to worry about making someone o it with me. I want to just be happy… with me.

We probably should have never gotten married….

Dear Husband

mydisconnectedlife — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:51:32 +0000

Dear Husband,

Please know that this is not written in anger, but with sadness and frustration.

I need you to step up and be the man that you are called to be. I need you to be decisive when I ask, and not tell me ,”I don’t know” or “I don’t care” when I give you options for dinner. Please, even if you don’t care, just pick some thing. I’m tired and am not up to babying you.

I need you to be COMPLETELY honest and transparent with me. When I ask you, “What’s the matter?” and you say, “Nothing” and then go an wash your eye out because it’s bothering you again and it hurts….. that’s lying to me….. That isn’t “nothing” . Your eye hurts… that is “something”.

I am insecure and weak. I know that, but I need you to love me anyway. I spent a lot of time thinking last night about whether it is right or even fair to ask you to take care of me and help me when I am dealing with my insecurities or if I should have never married you knowing that I still had insecurities that I needed to deal with. I don’t know. I still don’t have an answer, but if it is fair…. and it is right…..

Then I need you to spend time with me in bed. I need you to cuddle with me and love me…. and not fall asleep. I feel so alone at night. I know that as soon as you get into bed you will just fall asleep. And even when I wake you up and ask you to “love me” you just throw your arm over my side and fall back asleep with in a minute. And again, I lay there…. alone.

This morning, you left early. I got up 10 minutes before you even had to leave and you weren’t there. You didn’t lay in bed with me, you didn’t pray for me, you didn’t even tell me that you loved me. You just told me the status of the puppy and you took your boots and left. I waited for you to come back and you never did. Then the puppy started crying so I got up….. and you weren’t there.

It is so difficult for me because I know that you work more hours than I do and you come home tired too, so I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I have been getting home about an hour before you do and most of that time goes to the puppy who has been in her kennel and lonely all day. I try and clean a little too, but she doesn’t usually let me. And then you come home and I try and make dinner for you, but you keep trying to hug on me and you get in my way. So, I stopped trying to make dinner as soon as you come home and let you have that time that you want with me. Finally I pull myself away from you and make dinner. Then we eat…. and about a hour or so later you are ready for bed. And my day starts all over. Note, that the house never got any cleaner. So then when it comes to Sunday…. the one day that we have had off… I am spending the day cleaning the now atrocious house instead of spending time with you.

At what point in time am I supposed to clean the house? At what point in time can I spend time on myself- like reading the Bible or doing my yoga?

I want to make this marriage work. I really do, even despite my doubts and fears…. and the wierd dreams that I have been having. I have this voice inside of my head that keeps telling me to give up, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to loose you… and I don’t want to be with anyone else. I want to make this marriage work….. but I can’t do it on my own. I need your help.

*** Note *** My husband has no idea that I even have this blog. I don’t use it gossip about him or to hate on him without him knowing it… it is a way for me to process my thoughts and doubts and fears. Some times we all think mean things about others things that we regret thinking or realize later on that they weren’t even accurate and our ideas were skewed. That is what my blog is to my. My thoughts. Some are over dramatized in my head and seem like bigger deals than they actualy turn out to be. But it is no longer in my head, but now somewhere where I can reflect back on it and see whether I made the right choices or not… and to see how far I have come *** End Note ***

The worries of a wife

mydisconnectedlife — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:29:42 +0000

Ok, so I have really been struggeling a lot as a wife. this is me being open an honest about the crazy thoughts and doubts that I have. I got married in May… so I have been married for almost 6 months now. And since we have been married I have neither “gotten off” from my husband nor have we “come” at the same time. It hurts. I want that so bad. We hav tried different positions and nothing works. I get close, but I just can’t come. There have been times before when we have gotten off at the same time or even with in a minute apart, but I just can’t now. And he resorts to getting me off with a vibrator.

I write this with much sadness, I know the feelings of intimacy that it brings and I miss it. I miss the intimacy. The last time that we had sex I found my self praying and begging God to let me come by my husband and to let us come at the same time. And I prayed and prayed and prayed the whole time…. and I had doubts come over me and I would fight against them and trusting in God to answer my prayer……

And He didn’t. And my husband got off and I just lay there crying and asking God, “why?”

I don’t know why… and I don’t understand. I am still waiting for an answer.

***I’m sorry if this was too grafic, but I had to share my feelings *****

Where did my life go? Update

mydisconnectedlife — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:10:40 +0000

My life has been stressful. As always…. but I have been able to manage. Now that I am working (it was supposed to be a part time job, but I work about 36 hours a week) I can’t find the time to clean and take care of myself. My yoga has gone out the window. I miss it… I really do. Today has been the first day that I have been able to get anythign done on a day that I have to work. This is the first time that I have even been able to get on my bog since I have started there.

I know that it isn’t a lot ofhours, but my body is not used to it. A normal day for me to to wake up around 7am, shower and get ready, let the dog out of her kennel and play with her as I finish getting ready, try and get some breakfast in, take the dogoutside to potty, and then head to work. I only have a 30 minute break which doesn’t even give me time to come home so Titus has to come home and let Lyric out over lunch. Then I get off of work around 4 and then get asked to stay for a couple of more hours and then I finally cloack out and leave around 6pm ish. I drive the 15 minute drive home and then make dinner and love on Titus (my husband) at the same time. We eat dinner and then he needs me to spend time wiht him (which I need to do to help our marriage) and then he wants us to go to bed around 9:30 or 10:00. and it starts all over.

I didn’t get to even unload the dishwasher for 5 days!!! I wanted to, but between the dog and dog and the husband there wasn’t time. Occasionally I have shorter days that I work (my schedule varies by day) and I plan on coming home and cleaning, but as soon as I get home I just crash. Like I said earlier…. my body is not used to it. And I feel horrible because I knwo that Titus works WAY more hours than I do, but I just can’t seem to get a hold of myself.

I got up earlier today. I am all ready and I planned on cleaning, but decided to type my thoughts down first. I have about an hour and half before I need to leave for work- Which I love, btw. Pier 1 imports in an amazing place to work.

I have so much more that I want to talk about, but I think I am going to type it into a separate entry, because it isn’t related to the normal stresses of my life.