The end… or is it a new beginning…?

I talked to my husband about how hurt I was today… after he got home from work.  I did pretty well today… being at work helped me a lot becuase I didn’t have to focus on the pain.

I truly felt like I had been cheated on…. and I DO indeed believe that I was cheated on.  I was cheated on with a computer monitor!   Am I not better than a computer screen?

I once told my husband that if it didn’t work out between us that I would never get married again.   He is about as perfect as it gets and if it can’t work between us than it will never work between me and anyone else.

All during work I just kept wondering “What if he did it again over lunch?”  It just ate at me…my stomach hated me and the knots in it mad me want to vomit all day.   By the time I left work it all hit me again and I just sobbed.   How am I ever going to believe this man when he tells me that he loves me? How am I ever going to believe him when he tells me that I am beautiful? How do I know that he is really having sex with me and not just thinking about some nude woman the whole time?

The fragile woman that I am has just been destroyed.

So… what to do now?

He came home from work and I told him that I was mad at him for lying to me….. for telling me that he “wanted to look at porn… but he didn’t do it”   (later I found out that he had… and not ust a little, but a lot)…. and then he had done it a couple days after that too.  Anyway….  I told him that I knew and that I was extremely hurt.  I also told him that I wanted to end the relationship >>>  I would not trust him when he told me that he loved me or that he thought I was beautiful.

He asked me to forgive him—-  I’m not ready too.  That will take some time….  I am soo hurt.  All I want to do is just sob (and I have already done a whole lot of that… I’m not sure that I have anything left to cry).

So, I told him that he has to start back from square one-  That is the only way that I might be able to trust him again.  I gave him my wedding rign and told him “I may be legally married to you, but emotionally I am not. “   We are going back to the very begining.   He is moving into the spare room. I NEED him to prove to me that he truly loves me and thinks that I am beautiful… and that I am all he needs to be satisfied.

The hardest part about it all is that he is my best friend and all I want is for him to hold me and to tell me that it is going to all be ok…. but I can’t stand the thought of him touching me…..