Was it just a mistake?

I don’t want it anymore.   I don’t want to be married…. I don’t even want to date.  I just want to be by myself.  All of my life I have had to be a perfect person for my mother.  I was constantly told what I was doing wrong and constantly let down by her broken promises.   Since I have been married (It has been 6 months now) I don’t have a happy life with some bad days….  it is a bad life with some good days.   I can only think of a handful of days that we have gone to bed truly happy- with out having fought earlier in the day.  It just doesn’t happen.

Now, over three years since I have been moved out and I am still being constantly disappointed by the person that means the most to me.  He has no joy or excitement over the little things that I get excited about.  I just get shut down.  He won’t even pretend to be happy for me.

We can’t even find things that we like doing together.  We used to enjoy spending time together (like all couples do) and so even things that we hated seemed to be more fun (because we were spending time with the other)… and now we just don’t like to do anything.  He doesn’t like any games (he says he enjoys card games… but NEVER suggests playing).  I feel like it is a huge struggle just to get him to play a game with me.  He likes going for walks, but after running around on my feet all day, that is the LAST thing that I want to do. Plus- the world outside is such a negative place… all you hear is yelling and arguing and fighting-  I don’t like it.

I really wish that he would just cheat on me so that I could end it all.  Just be by myself (well, me and the dog   ) make myself happy.  Enjoy doing the things that I like to do and not always have to please someone else.  Isn’t it worse to be 30 years old (after 10 years of marriage) and live in the same house, without being emotionally intimate- just to live life separately.  That would be even worse.   I am not one to lie to the world so that I look good.  That just isn’t me.

Right now my husband is in bed.  I lay there with my back to him (with him spooning me) and I just lay there silently crying, wishing that he would hurry up and fall asleep so that I would crawl out of bed, give him a lame answer of, “I’m just getting and drink of water” so that I could come out into the kitchen to write this.  To get all of these feelings off of my chest.  So that I didn’t have to be there laying in bed with him touching me.

I am out of my mother’s house and I still feel completely imperfect, by everyone else’s standards.  Even my husband cringes and makes faces when I eat a piece of chocolate cake.  He tells me that I need to stop eating.  And then later will look at me and tell me that I am beautiful.  How can he say that and want me to believe it…. it just isn’t going to happen.

I just want to be by myself.  To not have someone to tell me what I should and should not eat; To just be excited and proud of myself without being shut down. To do things that I enjoy and not have to worry about making someone o it with me. I want to just be happy… with me.

We probably should have never gotten married….