Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

Please know that this is not written in anger, but with sadness and frustration.

I need you to step up and be the man that you are called to be.  I need you to be decisive when I ask, and not tell me ,”I don’t know” or “I don’t care” when I give you options for dinner.  Please, even if you don’t care, just pick some thing.  I’m tired and am not up to babying you.

I need you to be COMPLETELY honest and transparent with me.  When I ask you, “What’s the matter?” and you say, “Nothing” and then go an wash your eye out because it’s bothering you again and it hurts….. that’s lying to me…..  That isn’t “nothing” .  Your eye hurts… that is “something”.

I am insecure and weak.  I know that, but I need you to love me anyway.   I spent a lot of time thinking last night about whether it is right or even fair to ask you to take care of me and help me when I am dealing with my insecurities or if I should have never married you knowing that I still had insecurities that I needed to deal with.  I don’t know.  I still don’t have an answer, but if it is fair…. and it is right…..

Then I need you to spend time with me in bed.   I need you to cuddle with me and love me…. and not fall asleep.  I feel so alone at night.  I know that as soon as you get into bed you will just fall asleep.  And even when I wake you up and ask you to “love me” you just throw your arm over my side and fall back asleep with in a minute.  And again, I lay there…. alone.

This morning, you left early.  I got up 10 minutes before you even had to leave and you weren’t there.  You didn’t lay in bed with me, you didn’t pray for me, you didn’t even tell me that you loved me.  You just told me the status of the puppy and you took your boots and left.  I waited for you to come back and you never did.  Then the puppy started crying so I got up….. and you weren’t there.

It is so difficult for me because I know that you work more hours than I do and you come home tired too, so I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.   I have been getting home about an hour before you do and most of that time goes to the puppy who has been in her kennel and lonely all day.  I try and clean a little too, but she doesn’t usually let me.  And then you come home and I try and make dinner for you, but you keep trying to hug on me and you get in my way.  So, I stopped trying to make dinner as soon as you come home and let you have that time that you want with me.  Finally I pull myself away from you and make dinner.  Then we eat…. and about a hour or so later you are ready for bed.  And my day starts all over.  Note, that the house never got any cleaner.  So then when it comes to Sunday…. the one day that we have had off… I am spending the day cleaning the now atrocious house instead of spending time with you.

At what point in time am I supposed to clean the house?   At what point in time can I spend time on myself- like reading the Bible or doing my yoga?

I want to make this marriage work.  I really do, even despite my doubts and fears…. and the wierd dreams that I have been having.  I have this voice inside of my head that keeps telling me to give up, but I don’t want to.   I don’t want to loose you… and I don’t want to be with anyone else.   I want to make this marriage work…..  but I can’t do it on my own.    I need your help.

***  Note ***         My husband has no idea that I even have this blog.  I don’t use it gossip about him or to hate on him without him knowing it…  it is a way for me to process my thoughts and doubts and fears.   Some times we all think mean things about others things that we regret thinking or realize later on that they weren’t even accurate and our ideas were skewed.  That is what my blog is to my.  My thoughts.  Some are over dramatized in my head and seem like bigger deals than they actualy turn out to be.  But it is no longer in my head, but now somewhere where I can reflect back on it and see whether I made the right choices or not… and to see how far I have come          *** End Note ***

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