Was it just a mistake?

Better off alone?

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

Please know that this is not written in anger, but with sadness and frustration.

I need you to step up and be the man that you are called to be.  I need you to be decisive when I ask, and not tell me ,”I don’t know” or “I don’t care” when I give you options for dinner.  Please, even if you don’t care, just pick some thing.  I’m tired and am not up to babying you.

I need you to be COMPLETELY honest and transparent with me.  When I ask you, “What’s the matter?” and you say, “Nothing” and then go an wash your eye out because it’s bothering you again and it hurts….. that’s lying to me…..  That isn’t “nothing” .  Your eye hurts… that is “something”.

I am insecure and weak.  I know that, but I need you to love me anyway.   I spent a lot of time thinking last night about whether it is right or even fair to ask you to take care of me and help me when I am dealing with my insecurities or if I should have never married you knowing that I still had insecurities that I needed to deal with.  I don’t know.  I still don’t have an answer, but if it is fair…. and it is right…..

Then I need you to spend time with me in bed.   I need you to cuddle with me and love me…. and not fall asleep.  I feel so alone at night.  I know that as soon as you get into bed you will just fall asleep.  And even when I wake you up and ask you to “love me” you just throw your arm over my side and fall back asleep with in a minute.  And again, I lay there…. alone.

This morning, you left early.  I got up 10 minutes before you even had to leave and you weren’t there.  You didn’t lay in bed with me, you didn’t pray for me, you didn’t even tell me that you loved me.  You just told me the status of the puppy and you took your boots and left.  I waited for you to come back and you never did.  Then the puppy started crying so I got up….. and you weren’t there.

It is so difficult for me because I know that you work more hours than I do and you come home tired too, so I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.   I have been getting home about an hour before you do and most of that time goes to the puppy who has been in her kennel and lonely all day.  I try and clean a little too, but she doesn’t usually let me.  And then you come home and I try and make dinner for you, but you keep trying to hug on me and you get in my way.  So, I stopped trying to make dinner as soon as you come home and let you have that time that you want with me.  Finally I pull myself away from you and make dinner.  Then we eat…. and about a hour or so later you are ready for bed.  And my day starts all over.  Note, that the house never got any cleaner.  So then when it comes to Sunday…. the one day that we have had off… I am spending the day cleaning the now atrocious house instead of spending time with you.

At what point in time am I supposed to clean the house?   At what point in time can I spend time on myself- like reading the Bible or doing my yoga?

I want to make this marriage work.  I really do, even despite my doubts and fears…. and the wierd dreams that I have been having.  I have this voice inside of my head that keeps telling me to give up, but I don’t want to.   I don’t want to loose you… and I don’t want to be with anyone else.   I want to make this marriage work…..  but I can’t do it on my own.    I need your help.

***  Note ***         My husband has no idea that I even have this blog.  I don’t use it gossip about him or to hate on him without him knowing it…  it is a way for me to process my thoughts and doubts and fears.   Some times we all think mean things about others things that we regret thinking or realize later on that they weren’t even accurate and our ideas were skewed.  That is what my blog is to my.  My thoughts.  Some are over dramatized in my head and seem like bigger deals than they actualy turn out to be.  But it is no longer in my head, but now somewhere where I can reflect back on it and see whether I made the right choices or not… and to see how far I have come          *** End Note ***

The worries of a wife

Ok, so I have really been struggeling a lot as a wife.  this is me being open an honest about the crazy thoughts and doubts that I have.  I got married in May… so I have been married for almost 6 months now.  And since we have been married I have neither “gotten off” from my husband nor have we “come” at the same time.  It hurts.  I want that so bad.  We hav tried different positions and nothing works.  I get close, but I just can’t come.  There have been times before when we have gotten off at the same time or even with in a minute apart, but I just can’t now.  And he resorts to getting me off with a vibrator.

I write this with much sadness,  I know the feelings of intimacy that it brings and I miss it.  I miss the intimacy.  The last time that we had sex I found my self praying and begging God to let me come by my husband and to let us come at the same time.  And I prayed and prayed and prayed the whole time…. and I had doubts come over me and I would fight against them and trusting in God to answer my prayer……

And He didn’t.  And my husband got off and I just lay there crying and asking God, “why?”

I don’t know why… and I don’t understand.  I am still waiting for an answer.

***I’m sorry if this was too grafic, but I had to share my feelings *****

Where did my life go? Update

My life has been stressful.  As always….  but I have been able to manage.  Now that I am working (it was supposed to be a part time job, but I work about 36 hours a week) I can’t find the time to clean and take care of myself.   My yoga has gone out the window.  I miss it… I really do.  Today has been the first day that I have been able to get anythign done on a day that I have to work.  This is the first time that I have even been able to get on my bog since I have started there.

I know that it isn’t a lot ofhours, but my body is not used to it.  A normal day for me to to wake up around 7am, shower and get ready, let the dog out of her kennel and play with her as I finish getting ready, try and get some breakfast in, take the dogoutside to potty, and then head to work.  I only have a 30 minute break which doesn’t even give me time to come home so Titus has to come home and let Lyric out over lunch.  Then I get off of work around 4 and then get asked to stay for a couple of more hours and then I finally cloack out and leave around 6pm ish.  I drive the 15 minute drive home and then make dinner and love on Titus (my husband) at the same time.  We eat dinner and then he needs me to spend time wiht him (which I need to do to help our marriage) and then he wants us to go to bed around 9:30 or 10:00.  and it starts all over.

I didn’t get to even unload the dishwasher for 5 days!!!   I wanted to, but between the dog and dog and the husband there wasn’t time.  Occasionally I have shorter days that I work (my schedule varies by day) and I plan on coming home and cleaning, but as soon as I get home I just crash.  Like I said earlier…. my body is not used to it.  And I feel horrible because I knwo that Titus works WAY more hours than I do, but I just can’t seem to get a hold of myself.

I got up earlier today.  I am all ready and I planned on cleaning, but decided to type my thoughts down first.  I have about an hour and half before I need to leave for work-  Which I love, btw. Pier 1 imports in an amazing place to work.

I have so much more that I want to talk about, but I think I am going to type it into a separate entry, because it isn’t related to the normal stresses of my life.